The Performative Pressure of Looking Good on Camera
Why we shouldn't let our online personas define us
Photo by Etienne artdirect@gmail.com
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I have a few photoshoots over the next few months, which involves much planning. What to wear that suggests, warm, knowledgeable, not woo-woo? I need to get my hair done, look untired and smile, but not gurn.
I don’t love having my photograph taken. I am aminated in real life but feel frozen in front of a camera. It isn’t to do with watching my face getting older. I quite like my face. It’s been with me for some time. It’s not because I no longer look as I once did. I enjoy the process of ageing, I am more at peace with who I am.
Having to look good to “perform” is an unwelcome necessity. I understand the importance of presenting myself to the world in a favourable light, but sometimes, I don’t want to be judged on how I look. I’m good at teaching and guiding clients. I scrub up well when I am going out.
I’m not sure I am blessed with the skill of doing both simultaneously.
One activity is about internal awareness and tuning in to others, and the other is about outward appearance. I have full attention for one or the other.
The how-I-look is not as interesting to me as the how-I-feel.
Women have to do a lot of preparation before they are camera ready. The no-make-up look takes up a surprising amount of time. I wear make-up every day. Generally, it’s just kohl and moisturising lipstick because it makes me feel good. I wear it when no one is there to see me. But equally, I am not fearful of anyone seeing me without it on. However, I put on a tinted liquid foundation for the camera to even out my skin tone and an under-eye concealer to not look tired. I never used to wear either of these before onscreen became our reality.
I like to care for myself, my Mother is a glamazon, she passed on the joy of caring about how you present yourself to the world. But she is also clever, a lifelong activist and has been involved in charitable works for most of her life. Thankfully, in my family, being clever and tenacity was favoured over looks. The burden of being a young beauty is, in my opinion, too heavy for a child, when instead it is a time full of possibility.
However, I do spend considerable time on self-grooming. The Mister is bewildered by my many rituals in the bathroom. He often finds me skin brushing, massaging my face or using some device on it. I colour my roots. I have a blow dry once a week, I buff and smooth, I apply lotions and potions. I have many beauty gadgets including a new LED face mask which is alarming my three dogs. I enjoy the process of beautifying as I get to think my thoughts through, process my day, and work things out in a gentle way while also taking care of myself.
I just don’t love having to look nice when I just want to get on with doing things spontaneously, such as my practice. The difference is deeply caring for yourself versus living your life in a wholly performative way. If you exist online without a clear delineation between personal and public persona, things can very quickly get overwhelming. Because you haven’t any space to be your authentic self, there is no holding of the messy parts of being human. These feelings store up inside and ferment into anxiety, stress and suppressed emotion. A study of a nationally representative sample of Americans, followed for 12 years to track causes of death, found that people who suppress their emotions are more likely to die from all causes, including cancer.*
Looking at yourself close on Zoom calls is unusual because it is not something we typically do in real life. When we interact with people face-to-face, we have the space between us and them and the area around us, so we look at others in the context of the environment they are in. We are also not used to constantly seeing our faces. However, on Zoom calls, we are confronted with our own image. This can be mentally taxing, as it requires us to process all of the visual information we see, including our faces and the faces of other people, up close.
We are more likely to be critical of our appearance when we see ourselves on video. This can lead to anxiety and self-consciousness, making it difficult to relax and focus on the conversation.
Video conferencing platforms bombard us with visual information. This non-verbal information can be overwhelming for our brains to process, leading to fatigue and difficulty concentrating.
When I teach in a group or a one-to-one, everyone is on the floor, so you are not looking at yourself. Because this work is all about guidance, I don’t demonstrate because it isn’t about repeating an action, you don’t need to look at the screen at all. Instead you are wholly involved in listening and working out how to move. Your senses, other than just your visual sense, wake up. The emphasis is on the quality of your movements and how to finesse it for comfort and ease. It’s about cultivating self-awareness compassionately. Your self-image is made up of so much more than how you look. It is made up of your physiology, your sensations, emotions, thinking, actions and behaviours - it is all of you. That’s why this work is so potent, it involves your whole self.
I did manage to fit in a photoshoot alongside a busy day of meetings. Next time, however, just as I have organised my weekdays into teaching days, research, marketing admin and filming days. I’ll focus on just the photoshoot in real life and put time into finding my face, the one that says, yep, this IS who I am…for this one moment.
What’s going on?
The Soothe Group Programme starts on Thursday 5th October and it’s going to be so powerful. Come and join a community of people who want to be more peaceful and hopeful. More info
The Soothe Retreats - the next one is a day retreat on Saturday 2nd December, an oasis of calm just before the festive month kicks off. The next Soothe weekend is in May and filling up fast.
Thank you for reading.
Nahid x